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I just turned 35

I don’t know what I want my future to be anymore.

I thought I wanted to live in a country house with ducks and kids, and dogs.

safely secure and easy.

But then that freedom.. it’s a sweet an sour taste, a new world flavour that I tasted here on ibiza

and now… the future in the house is no longer really there.. all I can see are the chains

chains that hold me down and stop me from running, flying and swimming and skating everywhere.

Oh! I want to fly again, like in my dreams and when I gave up everything and went backpacking.

When I gave up my house, my cat, my books and my boyfriend,

my job at psychiatry and my future in the university.

I could have had a job as a professor I am sure.. I am smart enough, quick enough

but I gave it all up..

For a dream, a dream of flying, finding new horizons.

Finding the divine reality, finding god and true unity. I went to see where mediation and devotion to the reality beyond this world would get me,

but it didn’t get me anywhere other than this world that’s in front of me , the knowledge that I am only human. the knowledge that true meaning, true meaning-making can only be discovered through experience.

The human experience of life.

I think now that newness is what drives me, an ideal of the open horizon, anything is possible.

But us humans keep getting stuck in loops. look at Ibiza. She was free in the 60s and 70s.

Amazing raves, artistic craziness, creative explosions of experience, the romantic philosophies of the hippie movement lived out in real life and the island opened herself willingly to this invasion, this new vision of open love, drugs and dancing. The experience of flying free.

And again the loop started to kick in, now the parties, the gatherings, even the drugs are just a re-looping of the same old thing.

The youngsters have grown old and are repeating the same old circus tricks again and again.

The people are bored of their own dreams, the chase has become a habit, the creativity a normality.

They don’t write new stories anymore, they just want to write the biographies of their lives gone by.. the good old days..

The surprise is gone, no longer are they aware of why they once started this search.

The flame that was once as bright and magical as a newborn phoenix has become a fire in the screensaver, flaring up over and over again in the same way.

Boredom and disappointment, the nasty cousins of freedom, have taken over power of the realm.

I want to ride a motorcycle.

Am I strong enough to give up security again and again. also give up this so-called safety net I nurtured in the last 2 years (has it been that long?)

Now at the end of this summer of 2022, a post Covid summer of running and sweating and blazing my way through parties, work and sex like I had no future.  Now I feel stifled by the heat, I feel oppressed by the pressure for more, dishevelled and wrung out.

I feel more jealousy and envy that I’ve ever felt in my whole life – even though I am the most powerful, comfortable fucking rich than I could have ever imagined. Friends, dinners, cars, freedom, love and spirituality are just another part of my daily life.

It’s never enough really is it?

I have no idea what my future might bring, no idea where I will go next.

Still I know I won’t go back.. not back to Holland, to the power crazed world of the University, to the dishonest and super unhealthy life of the city folk or the mad and unsafe world of the so-called spiritually inclined.

I am lost again. I just turned 35.

Address

07816, Sant Rafael,
Ibiza, Balearic Islands

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